Not yet...

Sorry I haven't posted much in a few days. I had a really scary Saturday and have not seemed to find any words yet. On Saturday, I was home alone with Ryland for lunch. We sat down to eat a normal lunch. Ryland was eating peas, plum and cheese. She has eaten plum on numerous occasions and never had a problem with it. I cut the skin off and cut into small pieces. But this day for some reason she couldn't handle it. I don't know if she was too hungry or if she put too many pieces in her mouth before I could sit down or if one was just too big for her.

She choked. Not just the choke and cough it up kind of choke, but the full on - can't breathe - face turning purple choke.

In a split second, her life (and mine) flashed before my eyes. I panicked. For what seemed like a really long time I didn't do anything. I have not read up on giving the Heimlich to a child over one year of age, but I did remember the baby Heimlich (kind of). I didn't know if I should call 911 first and then try to get the object out or start getting the object out because I probably did not have time for 911 to respond. I thought about running out to the street and screaming for help. I did scream for help... but I think I was screaming at God.

I turned her over, her face in my hands and gave her back a few hard blows. I remember telling myself to hit her harder. I was scared to hit her hard, but I knew I needed to. I think I hit her 4 or 5 times before yelling at God again. It wasn't working. She was turning purple.

I ran with her into the kitchen where my phone was to call 911 and I tried hitting her a few more times. This time she began to cry. She was breathing. She was scarred. Me knees gave way and we both fell to the kitchen floor. I held on to her for a good 15 mins before I began to break down. I tried calling Kyle and he didn't answer. I called my mom and she let me completely break down and cry it out. She was so great in that moment and calmed me down.

For the past two days I have found myself crying a lot more then usual. I cry every time I retell the story to someone. I cry when I put Ryland to sleep. I cry when she wakes up and says "Hi Momma!" when I walk into her room.

This was by far the scariest thing that has ever happened to me and in so many ways I feel like I failed. I'm her mom. I'm the one supposed to be preventing these types of things from happening. I'm supposed to know what she can and can not eat. I failed. I know, in the moment, God helped me save her life... but I still feel like it was my fault. I know all of this goes back to the post I wrote a few days ago. I obviously am still unable to let go. I wanted to. I really wanted to and thought I was getting close and then this happened. Now I am holding on to her as tight as I can.