NM Sunsets.

New Mexico sunsets are stunning! Here is a shot I took after a shoot and really, the night, the sky, the clouds, it could not have been more perfect. As I see God’s glorious works I am in awe of what He does and how He just paints the sky to show us a glimpse of his glory. That He gives us these beautiful things as reminders of Him in this fallen world.

Think on him this weekend. As you go about your busy lives, remember Him in a mighty way. Let Him move you. Let Him into your core and change you. Give to Him your time this weekend so that He might fill your soul.

“For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things.” Psalm 107:9

My Marriage to God is NOT a Partnership Either

As a follow-up to my post about my marriage to Kyle, my marriage to the Lord is not a partnership either. This is a view I find fairly typical in church communities. That we somehow deserve for God to do certain things for us or make us feel certain ways because ... well just because. That I should feel something spiritual every time I open my bible to read. That I should be blessed with good Christian friends. That my family should be saved. That turmoil should not come. That I deserved this baby. That I deserve a good husband.  .... The list could go on. That we should be blessed because we "gave" Him a certain amount of our time today. Or that we "gave" him an amount of money to use, therefore we should be blessed. That we deserve blessings at all.

Not only has my view on marriage been completely selfish, so has, and more importantly, my view on God has been. He sent His Son to die, to cover our multitude of sins, so that we will spend an eternity in His presence. This gift is there for the taking. He woos us to Him and calls us by name into His Elect. We answer the call and that should be enough. But it isn't. We want health, we want security, we want happiness and we think that if we do or act accordingly it will be ours. Ha! So far from the truth. We are to serve the Lord and do His Will and find our joy and hope in our salvation alone. We are forever indebted to Him and yet, we selfishly seek "fulfillment" from Him.

It's a lot like my role as a parent. I am sure there will always be things that, in the eyes of my children, I could do better or different, but they don't get to tell me how to parent. I am doing what is best for them, even if it's not fun most of the time. I don't get to tell the Lord how He should be acting towards me, He decided what is best and what will bring Him the most glory.

During my readings in Ruth the other day, Naomi (Ruth's mother-in-law) had to loose her husband and her two sons so that Ruth could marry Boaz and through their son would come the lineage of David. At the time of Naomi's loss, she thought the Lord had afflicted her, but He had a plan for something much larger. And thus, in our lives, there is a much larger plan at stake. It's not really about us at all, it's about bringing glory to Him and letting Him use us for His purpose.

Again, hard stuff, even harder to live out. But He is merciful and just in all that He does. My hope is in Him and my heart is not in this earthly home.

Marriage in NOT a Partnership

I have always looked at marriage as a partnership. A relationship in which a husband and a wife work together for a common goal. To build a family, to make a home, to live a full life with one another. But is biblical marriage really that of a partnership?

Kyle and I will be celebrating our 7th year of marriage this June and all in all we have had a happy, healthy, warm relationship. But, we have this cycle of arguments (which I find is most common in marriages) throughout these 7 years. It all stems from the fact that Kyle does not do the things the I deem appropriate for him to do as a husband. What I am saying is that there is this standard set of what a husband should do to please his wife and what a wife should do to please her husband. And typically Kyle has not fit into the role I think he should.

Here is how it works out in my brain: it originates in the area of household chores and maintenance. I have deemed our relationship a partnership and therefore we should help each other by completing tasks around the house. But really that means I think he should help take out the trash, pick up his dirty laundry, help with the girls, do the yard work, maintenance on the house/cars, and any other odd jobs I deem necessary at the time. So, basically I get to tell him what to do to help me which equals I get to tell him how to show me love and respect. But, if in the end he is only doing those things because I want him to, it isn't ever going to be enough. There will always be something else needing done or maybe he was so busy doing all that he forgot to ask me how my day was or tell me I looked beautiful.

Although, most people would agree that a husbands role is to do and serve his family in every way he can. To not be lazy and to lead his family. I agree with that philosophy, but for some reason this has always worked its way out selfishly in our relationship. I want him to fit into the role I have created for him, he doesn't, so in turn I don't feel loved or appreciated enough and I start to grow bitter and resentful towards him. This truly has been the cycle of our relationship over the past 7 years. There have been times where he is doing it all right and I feel great about the man I choose to marry and then there are times he totally fails to fill my role (meet my needs) and I resent him and search out ways to help him see what he can do to change.

But, over the past year I have grown to know more truth then this. Our relationship is not a partnership at all. I don't get to decide what he should do to make me happy. I don't get to tell him what chores he is responsible for. I don't get to nag him about taking out the trash. AND I don't get to grow bitter when he fails.

Our relationship is that of a servant. And NOT that of being servant to one another, it is solely that of serving the Lord. I am to expect nothing from him and in return serve the Lord the best I know how. To live out my role as a wife for the Lord. To answer the Lord's calling. To clean as though I am cleaning for the Lord. To minister to my children as though the Lord was standing right there. To not make up this fictitious list of things for my husband to do to selfishly make me happy, but to love him unconditionally. Whatever that may look like, even if he one day decided he would never again be taking out the trash, my role is to honor the Lord and serve my husband well. In the same respect, his role as my husband should be to serve me and our children as though he was serving the Lord. I cannot make him do this, but I can pray for him and can see the joy that waits for him in that choice.

I get that this is totally contrary to the way the world views marriage. But, I know that joy does not lie in selfishness. Getting Kyle to accomplish the tasks I have set out for him to do only leads me further away from the Lord. Serving Kyle because I love the Lord and in turn love my husband is where fulfillment and joy are.

Please bare with me on this idea. I am still processing it and am defiantly struggling to live it out. But, I am facing a battle not won when I try to meet Kyle's need or show him love the way I think he receives it. I am trying to meet his needs and in turn hoping that he will meet mine. But reality is hitting me that no matter how wonderful he can be or how selfish, my needs will only be met by the Lord and if I press into Him then He will  win the battle.

Sick, Sleep, Cleaning, and Relaxing

Sorry it has been awhile since posting, but this whole pregnancy thing with a one year old seems to be kicking my butt.... too say the least. And, I think for every one's sake that it is better that I give up posting so at least something around the house can get done or food can be made or something a little more productive can happen.

I have been sick with this one. I was not sick at all with Ryland. I remember feeling qweezy a few times, but not sick. I have not actually thrown up, but I feel like I am right on the verge ALL day. I even carry the trash can with me everywhere, just in case. This would not be so bad IF I didn't have to entertain, feed, change and nurture my sweet baby all day long. I think the main issue that I am having is keeping my blood sugar where it should be. Before this week I was nursing Ryland 3-4 times a day which I don't think my body was handling very well on top of being pregnant. After talking with both my doctor and Ryland's doctor I have decided to ween her. I didn't think that it would be hard for me, but it kind of has been more emotional then I expected. (Sorry if this is TMI for some of you). I know that I gave Ryland the best start at life that I could. I was able to nurse her for a whole year and during that year she has never been sick! But I don't know if I am just hormonal or sad that this chapter in our life is over and those thousands of quite, sweet moments Ryland and I won't happen the same way they have over this year. Probably a combination of both, but I am comforted by the fact that I know I am giving my body to this next baby and giving this next baby the best start to life that I possibly can.

The other hard part about our life right now is Ryland is NOT a good sleeper! Before this week I was nursing her for every nap and bed time and every time she woke up at night (between 2 and 6 times a night!!!!). OK, so maybe its not Ryland, its that her parents were not good "Sleep Trainers" and really it worked for us until she got older and fought us more.

Well, this week has been pretty major in our lives. She is now only nursing once a day, right before bed time, and we have begun sleep training! Last night was the first night and it went better then I expected, tonight has gone even better thus far. So we will see! Our goal is for by the end of this week that she will know how to put herself to sleep!

So, for the past three days I have actually been feeling a little better and not so completely drained. One of the sweet girls from my small group said to me last Wednesday, "OK, I'm coming over tomorrow, what time do you wake up? I'll be there at 8:45am!" At first I was like, NO WAY, you are NOT coming over to my house to see it and its state!!!! I got the "cool-I'm-under-control-face" on and said thanks but no thanks and she said, "nope, I'm coming, put me to work, give me Ryland, or whatever, but I'm coming." So, she came. She saw my house in the horrible state that is was and didn't judge me. She just smiled and asked me what she could do. So, she played with Ryland while I cleaned like a mad-woman! It was SO fabulous! I was feeling great and getting SO much accomplished while I listened to the sweet laughter's of my baby in the other room! Thanks Katie, you rock!

Today Kyle and I just relaxed in the house and I enjoyed having him home to myself (and Ryland). It was refreshing. She even took a 3 hour nap this afternoon!!!! We strolled around the mall, had some amazing ice cream and just enjoyed each other. I felt so good because my house was clean, I didn't have to feel guilty doing something so fun! :)

Opinions

This struck me today like a bolt of lightning. I have not had arguments, per say, with anyone about these issues.... but I do come home to Kyle and say, "So-and-so thinks this about __________, isn't that ridiculous" or in my head think "these people are crazy" when they start in on something that I "totally" disagree with. But, like my feelings on birth control have changed (dramatically) this past month, so can any of my other many opinions at any moment and this blog just really reminded me that it is OK, but to not push them on anyone else, and to remember what it is we SHOULD be passionate about! Way to go Girl Talk!

"Epidural vs. Natural Child Birth. College vs. No College. Breast-feeding vs. Bottle Feeding. Courtship vs. Dating. Child Immunizations vs. Homeopathic Medicine. Home Schooling vs. Private or Public Schooling. Birth Control vs. No Birth Control. Organic Food vs. Processed Food.
Have an opinion, anyone?

If you’re a woman and you’re alive, at least one of these words probably triggered a visceral response. You instinctively reached into your mental files for the appropriate legal brief, fully prepared to argue for the prosecution or the defense.

Mention a topic such as this and—cue the super-hero music please—we morph into “Super-Lawyer-Woman,” ready to save the world from the risks of formula or the perils of public school or the dangers of processed food. All in a days work.

And we tend to travel in packs. Wherever we are or wherever we go in life, we find these kindred spirits—women who feel as strongly about our cause as we do—and we become fast friends. Pity the poor woman whose opinion differs from ours, or worse yet, hasn't formed an opinion. She doesn’t stand a chance against “Super-Lawyer-Women.”

But as comical as this image may be, it really isn’t funny.

Because it’s all too true. We as women are inclined to adopt a pet issue and express our opinion far too forcefully, sending other women running for cover. I’m sure I’m guilty, even more than I realize.

As D.A. Carson observes:

“So many Christians today identify themselves with some ‘single issue’ (a concept drawn from politics) other than the cross, other than the gospel. It is not that they deny the gospel. If pressed, they will emphatically endorse it. But their point of self-identification, the focus of their minds and hearts, what occupies their interest and energy is something else” (The Cross and Christian Ministry, p. 63).

The fact is that all of the aforementioned topics fall into a category Scripture labels “disputable matters” (Romans 14:1, NIV): an issue that is not central to our faith or a prerequisite for fellowship in the gospel. And this entire chapter of Romans insists that we are not to “pass judgment” on these kind of matters, or, as the ESV puts it, “quarrel over opinions.” Rather, we are to “welcome” or “accept” one another (v. 1), and pursue “what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding” (v. 19). Why? Because the person who disagrees with us is, “one for whom Christ died” (v. 15). "

On top of things

Alright, I don't want to speak too soon, but I really feel "on top of things" this week. OK, there have been days in the past 10 months that I have "felt on top of things" but those days just never seem to turn into weeks. And right now I can say for the past two weeks I have actually stayed on top of all my house work and was actually dresses and put together before noon every day! I am not really sure where to pin point the change, but there are a few things that I have changed that help me to not feel so overwhelmed:

1. We cleaned out our closets two weekends ago, and for some reason it seems easier to keep my house clean with the closets organized. Its amazing when everything really does have a place to go.
2. I am taking long, hot, candle lite showers at night after Ryland goes to sleep. First, this completely relaxes me and second, it allows me to just do my hair and make-up in the morning. Most days taking a shower was so overwhelming to me. I hated to try and figure out what to do with Ryland and I also hated wasting a nap time to do it.
3. I am waking up when Kyle does in the morning. I used to sleep in as long as I could and that was just plain laziness. Actually waking up before 8am is really nice because I feel like I have a whole day, not just a few hours of sunlight.
4. I do a load of laundry a day. This really helps me stay on top of it and it is a whole lot easier to put away in small amounts!
5. TURN OFF THE TV!!!!! I have officially turned the TV off until Kyle comes home. Well, Ryland watches a little in the morning with breakfast and then its off. This is great for me... I am no longer sucked in and I feel so much more productive! If you know me at all, you know this was a hard one for me, but I love it now that I have done it!
6. Playtime outside! Ryland and I play with our neighbors, Laura (the mom) and Zach the baby in the pumpkin pictures almost every day. The sunlight and fresh air really do wonderful things for all of us!
7. Reading my bible. OK, this probably shouldn't be #7 on the list, but I am just going in order of my thoughts, not priorities. :) I have been spending an hour every morning in Rylands room. We turn on worship music, she plays on the floor and I read my bible. I LOVE this hour and I feel so fed right now, its a great spot to be.
8. I spend a lot of time thinking about ways I can bless Kyle. I can easily get consumed with Ryland and housekeeping that I forget my husband in the mix. So, I have come up with a list of ways to let him know I am thinking about him. But I would LOVE some more things to add to the list! Do you have any suggestions?

Peace

OK, I know its been several days, but Kyle and I have been praying and really researching this whole BCP thing. After doing lots of research and getting my mom to research too (thanks mom!) I have come to the conclusion that they aren't exactly sure what the BCP does. They have theories and ways to know how it affects the woman's body, but to test the actual rate of abortions caused by the pill would be near to impossible. There are those who are highly convicted one way and those that stand for the other and here I am kind of in the middle.

I believe this is a personal choice. I think it is important for women to know what they are taking and the possible effects of that medicine, not just taking it because that is what they should do. I am guilty of that. I had no idea what the BCP pill was capable of, even after 6 years of taking it.

I also believe that God can stir things up in our hearts for a reason. He wants us to grow and change and become more like Him. He doesn't want us to be stagnant in any area of our lives. He wants us to be moldable. So, here I am one day reading a blog about something totally different then BCP and boom.... I'm hit with this convicting thought and deep desire to do what God wants me to do. I also believe that God is the God of peace. If we are searching, than He will give us peace about our search. He will let us know, in His way and by His timing, what it is that He wants us to do.

So, as of now, we have chosen to stop taking the BCP. We are convicted at the possibilities of what this pill could have done over the past 6 years and do not want to be held accountable for that in the end, especially after gaining knowledge about it. I am not saying this is something every woman should do, I am not saying that all birth control is wrong. I am just saying that this is the choice we feel God leading us to make and we are at peace with that decision.

Thank you for the emails and comments you have left. I have learned a lot over the past two weeks and I am encouraged to know that I am not the only one who has dealt with this issue or was prompted to research it for themselves.

"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward." Psalms 127:3

Come on in...

I guess you could say that God is working on me. Or should I say molding me. I've been having a deep desire to change into the wife/mother/woman that I should be, that I'm called to be. I have always been the type of person that thought - "when I get there, I'll be good at it." Does that make since? Like when I was a teenager thinking about being an adult, I thought my faith/walk would just click and I would be the 'perfect christian,' when I was single I thought once I got married I would be the 'perfect wife,' and before children I thought I would be, of course, the 'perfect mother.'

What a sinful way to live! I was basically saying to myself that I didn't need to do anything to become the person God desires for me to be, it would just work out that way. I would not need to spend hours digging into the Word to teach me how to be all of those things, I would not need to spend hours on my knees opening my soul to our Father, I would not need to make major sacrifices in my life to shed my human shell. Oh, how I just robbed myself dry.

Back in March God began wooing me to the person of Him. He began to create a spirit that would be mailable and pliable to His ways. To change the way I live my whole life. To change me. And that He is doing. I have been studying the book of Titus, I mean, I read it probably 3 to 4 times a day, the whole book and know that is how I want to live my life. I want to be "self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, submissive to their own husbands... to be obedient, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no one to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy to everyone." Titus 2:5, 3:1-2.

I fight myself on a minute by minute basis sometimes, but fighting myself is so much better then just giving into myself and not caring. I like where I'm at right now, drinking in my fill everyday. I look forward to where I will be because I have worked to get there. I have fought. I have given things up. I have surrendered. I have opened my hand and said, "its yours God, I'm yours."

Thank you God for patiently standing by and knocking at my door. Sorry it took me so long to answer. I knew you were there, I just hid behind the curtains and hoped you would not hear me, but you did and kept knocking. Thank you.

Homemaking

Lately I have been struggling with laziness. I know that I am taking care of Ryland and meeting all her needs every minute of the day, but there are so many other things that need to be done around the house and I really do have time to do most of them, I just choose not to. I would rather sit and watch my favorite TV show while Ryland sleeps or fold the laundry when Kyle comes home and can help me. I am convicted. I am not called to just be a mom, but to be a Homemaker. I found this blog and it has really opened my eyes up to Homemaking in a whole new light and it has given me the encouragement to get off my romp.

From: Girl Talk

As homemakers, we can be keenly, and somewhat painfully aware of our lack of specialized skill. Many of us trained for a specific field of work only to leave it behind to come home with our baby; and then the field left us behind as we raised our children. We may see our husband excelling at his career, and observe other women who seem to be “the best” at something, and because we haven’t distinguished ourselves in some way (we’ve been too busy cleaning toilets, running errands, reading children's books and pouring bowls of cereal), we wonder if we are really good at anything.


Twentieth century British author G.K. Chesterton has liberating insight for all homemakers who feel pressure to excel in something besides homemaking. In an essay entitled “The Emancipation of Domesticity” he observed that woman is a “general overseer” in the home, and as such, she must be able to do many things well—she shouldn't have to worry about being "the best" at something.


“In other words, there must be in every center of humanity one human being upon a larger plan; one who does not "give her best," but gives her all…..


The woman is expected to cook: not to excel in cooking, but to cook; to cook better than her husband who is earning [a living] by lecturing on botany or breaking stones….the woman is expected to tell tales to the children, not original and artistic tales, but tales--better tales than would probably be told by a first-class cook.


But she cannot be expected to endure anything like this universal duty if she is also to endure the direct cruelty of competitive or bureaucratic toil. Woman must be a cook, but not a competitive cook; a school mistress, but not a competitive schoolmistress; a house-decorator but not a competitive house-decorator; a dressmaker, but not a competitive dressmaker. She should have not one trade but twenty hobbies; she, unlike the man, may develop all her second bests.
This is what has been really aimed at from the first in what is called the seclusion, or even the oppression, of women. Women were not kept at home in order to keep them narrow; on the contrary, they were kept at home in order to keep them broad” (emphasis mine).
My fellow homemakers, let’s embrace the “larger plan” ordained by our Creator. Let’s not worry about being the best, but eagerly give our all to the broad calling of serving in the home.