My Marriage to God is NOT a Partnership Either

As a follow-up to my post about my marriage to Kyle, my marriage to the Lord is not a partnership either. This is a view I find fairly typical in church communities. That we somehow deserve for God to do certain things for us or make us feel certain ways because ... well just because. That I should feel something spiritual every time I open my bible to read. That I should be blessed with good Christian friends. That my family should be saved. That turmoil should not come. That I deserved this baby. That I deserve a good husband.  .... The list could go on. That we should be blessed because we "gave" Him a certain amount of our time today. Or that we "gave" him an amount of money to use, therefore we should be blessed. That we deserve blessings at all.

Not only has my view on marriage been completely selfish, so has, and more importantly, my view on God has been. He sent His Son to die, to cover our multitude of sins, so that we will spend an eternity in His presence. This gift is there for the taking. He woos us to Him and calls us by name into His Elect. We answer the call and that should be enough. But it isn't. We want health, we want security, we want happiness and we think that if we do or act accordingly it will be ours. Ha! So far from the truth. We are to serve the Lord and do His Will and find our joy and hope in our salvation alone. We are forever indebted to Him and yet, we selfishly seek "fulfillment" from Him.

It's a lot like my role as a parent. I am sure there will always be things that, in the eyes of my children, I could do better or different, but they don't get to tell me how to parent. I am doing what is best for them, even if it's not fun most of the time. I don't get to tell the Lord how He should be acting towards me, He decided what is best and what will bring Him the most glory.

During my readings in Ruth the other day, Naomi (Ruth's mother-in-law) had to loose her husband and her two sons so that Ruth could marry Boaz and through their son would come the lineage of David. At the time of Naomi's loss, she thought the Lord had afflicted her, but He had a plan for something much larger. And thus, in our lives, there is a much larger plan at stake. It's not really about us at all, it's about bringing glory to Him and letting Him use us for His purpose.

Again, hard stuff, even harder to live out. But He is merciful and just in all that He does. My hope is in Him and my heart is not in this earthly home.

Marriage in NOT a Partnership

I have always looked at marriage as a partnership. A relationship in which a husband and a wife work together for a common goal. To build a family, to make a home, to live a full life with one another. But is biblical marriage really that of a partnership?

Kyle and I will be celebrating our 7th year of marriage this June and all in all we have had a happy, healthy, warm relationship. But, we have this cycle of arguments (which I find is most common in marriages) throughout these 7 years. It all stems from the fact that Kyle does not do the things the I deem appropriate for him to do as a husband. What I am saying is that there is this standard set of what a husband should do to please his wife and what a wife should do to please her husband. And typically Kyle has not fit into the role I think he should.

Here is how it works out in my brain: it originates in the area of household chores and maintenance. I have deemed our relationship a partnership and therefore we should help each other by completing tasks around the house. But really that means I think he should help take out the trash, pick up his dirty laundry, help with the girls, do the yard work, maintenance on the house/cars, and any other odd jobs I deem necessary at the time. So, basically I get to tell him what to do to help me which equals I get to tell him how to show me love and respect. But, if in the end he is only doing those things because I want him to, it isn't ever going to be enough. There will always be something else needing done or maybe he was so busy doing all that he forgot to ask me how my day was or tell me I looked beautiful.

Although, most people would agree that a husbands role is to do and serve his family in every way he can. To not be lazy and to lead his family. I agree with that philosophy, but for some reason this has always worked its way out selfishly in our relationship. I want him to fit into the role I have created for him, he doesn't, so in turn I don't feel loved or appreciated enough and I start to grow bitter and resentful towards him. This truly has been the cycle of our relationship over the past 7 years. There have been times where he is doing it all right and I feel great about the man I choose to marry and then there are times he totally fails to fill my role (meet my needs) and I resent him and search out ways to help him see what he can do to change.

But, over the past year I have grown to know more truth then this. Our relationship is not a partnership at all. I don't get to decide what he should do to make me happy. I don't get to tell him what chores he is responsible for. I don't get to nag him about taking out the trash. AND I don't get to grow bitter when he fails.

Our relationship is that of a servant. And NOT that of being servant to one another, it is solely that of serving the Lord. I am to expect nothing from him and in return serve the Lord the best I know how. To live out my role as a wife for the Lord. To answer the Lord's calling. To clean as though I am cleaning for the Lord. To minister to my children as though the Lord was standing right there. To not make up this fictitious list of things for my husband to do to selfishly make me happy, but to love him unconditionally. Whatever that may look like, even if he one day decided he would never again be taking out the trash, my role is to honor the Lord and serve my husband well. In the same respect, his role as my husband should be to serve me and our children as though he was serving the Lord. I cannot make him do this, but I can pray for him and can see the joy that waits for him in that choice.

I get that this is totally contrary to the way the world views marriage. But, I know that joy does not lie in selfishness. Getting Kyle to accomplish the tasks I have set out for him to do only leads me further away from the Lord. Serving Kyle because I love the Lord and in turn love my husband is where fulfillment and joy are.

Please bare with me on this idea. I am still processing it and am defiantly struggling to live it out. But, I am facing a battle not won when I try to meet Kyle's need or show him love the way I think he receives it. I am trying to meet his needs and in turn hoping that he will meet mine. But reality is hitting me that no matter how wonderful he can be or how selfish, my needs will only be met by the Lord and if I press into Him then He will  win the battle.