Weekend Wonderings.

Oh come, let us worship and bow down; 

let us kneel before the Lord, our Maker!

For He is our God, 

and we are the people of His pasture,

and the sheep of his hand. 

Today, if you hear His voice, 

do not harden your hearts 

Psalm 95:6-8

Happy weekend and may you journey with a worshipful heart and heed to His voice! 

New iPhone App LOVE

The app is called Hipstamatic and it let's you change the lens/film/flash settings. Oh so much fun! :)

Consider This.

Behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful. 

James 5:11

My Marriage to God is NOT a Partnership Either

As a follow-up to my post about my marriage to Kyle, my marriage to the Lord is not a partnership either. This is a view I find fairly typical in church communities. That we somehow deserve for God to do certain things for us or make us feel certain ways because ... well just because. That I should feel something spiritual every time I open my bible to read. That I should be blessed with good Christian friends. That my family should be saved. That turmoil should not come. That I deserved this baby. That I deserve a good husband.  .... The list could go on. That we should be blessed because we "gave" Him a certain amount of our time today. Or that we "gave" him an amount of money to use, therefore we should be blessed. That we deserve blessings at all.

Not only has my view on marriage been completely selfish, so has, and more importantly, my view on God has been. He sent His Son to die, to cover our multitude of sins, so that we will spend an eternity in His presence. This gift is there for the taking. He woos us to Him and calls us by name into His Elect. We answer the call and that should be enough. But it isn't. We want health, we want security, we want happiness and we think that if we do or act accordingly it will be ours. Ha! So far from the truth. We are to serve the Lord and do His Will and find our joy and hope in our salvation alone. We are forever indebted to Him and yet, we selfishly seek "fulfillment" from Him.

It's a lot like my role as a parent. I am sure there will always be things that, in the eyes of my children, I could do better or different, but they don't get to tell me how to parent. I am doing what is best for them, even if it's not fun most of the time. I don't get to tell the Lord how He should be acting towards me, He decided what is best and what will bring Him the most glory.

During my readings in Ruth the other day, Naomi (Ruth's mother-in-law) had to loose her husband and her two sons so that Ruth could marry Boaz and through their son would come the lineage of David. At the time of Naomi's loss, she thought the Lord had afflicted her, but He had a plan for something much larger. And thus, in our lives, there is a much larger plan at stake. It's not really about us at all, it's about bringing glory to Him and letting Him use us for His purpose.

Again, hard stuff, even harder to live out. But He is merciful and just in all that He does. My hope is in Him and my heart is not in this earthly home.

Marriage in NOT a Partnership

I have always looked at marriage as a partnership. A relationship in which a husband and a wife work together for a common goal. To build a family, to make a home, to live a full life with one another. But is biblical marriage really that of a partnership?

Kyle and I will be celebrating our 7th year of marriage this June and all in all we have had a happy, healthy, warm relationship. But, we have this cycle of arguments (which I find is most common in marriages) throughout these 7 years. It all stems from the fact that Kyle does not do the things the I deem appropriate for him to do as a husband. What I am saying is that there is this standard set of what a husband should do to please his wife and what a wife should do to please her husband. And typically Kyle has not fit into the role I think he should.

Here is how it works out in my brain: it originates in the area of household chores and maintenance. I have deemed our relationship a partnership and therefore we should help each other by completing tasks around the house. But really that means I think he should help take out the trash, pick up his dirty laundry, help with the girls, do the yard work, maintenance on the house/cars, and any other odd jobs I deem necessary at the time. So, basically I get to tell him what to do to help me which equals I get to tell him how to show me love and respect. But, if in the end he is only doing those things because I want him to, it isn't ever going to be enough. There will always be something else needing done or maybe he was so busy doing all that he forgot to ask me how my day was or tell me I looked beautiful.

Although, most people would agree that a husbands role is to do and serve his family in every way he can. To not be lazy and to lead his family. I agree with that philosophy, but for some reason this has always worked its way out selfishly in our relationship. I want him to fit into the role I have created for him, he doesn't, so in turn I don't feel loved or appreciated enough and I start to grow bitter and resentful towards him. This truly has been the cycle of our relationship over the past 7 years. There have been times where he is doing it all right and I feel great about the man I choose to marry and then there are times he totally fails to fill my role (meet my needs) and I resent him and search out ways to help him see what he can do to change.

But, over the past year I have grown to know more truth then this. Our relationship is not a partnership at all. I don't get to decide what he should do to make me happy. I don't get to tell him what chores he is responsible for. I don't get to nag him about taking out the trash. AND I don't get to grow bitter when he fails.

Our relationship is that of a servant. And NOT that of being servant to one another, it is solely that of serving the Lord. I am to expect nothing from him and in return serve the Lord the best I know how. To live out my role as a wife for the Lord. To answer the Lord's calling. To clean as though I am cleaning for the Lord. To minister to my children as though the Lord was standing right there. To not make up this fictitious list of things for my husband to do to selfishly make me happy, but to love him unconditionally. Whatever that may look like, even if he one day decided he would never again be taking out the trash, my role is to honor the Lord and serve my husband well. In the same respect, his role as my husband should be to serve me and our children as though he was serving the Lord. I cannot make him do this, but I can pray for him and can see the joy that waits for him in that choice.

I get that this is totally contrary to the way the world views marriage. But, I know that joy does not lie in selfishness. Getting Kyle to accomplish the tasks I have set out for him to do only leads me further away from the Lord. Serving Kyle because I love the Lord and in turn love my husband is where fulfillment and joy are.

Please bare with me on this idea. I am still processing it and am defiantly struggling to live it out. But, I am facing a battle not won when I try to meet Kyle's need or show him love the way I think he receives it. I am trying to meet his needs and in turn hoping that he will meet mine. But reality is hitting me that no matter how wonderful he can be or how selfish, my needs will only be met by the Lord and if I press into Him then He will  win the battle.

Thousand Gifts

I LOVE reading this blog! It is the one that if I don't have time to read all of them, I read this one no matter what. I have been encouraged, convicted and spurred towards Christ through this blog. 
She has put together a project in which you count a Thousand Gifts in your life that you are thankful for, the things that the Lord gives us just because he loves us and his love is merciful. 
So, here I go, I am starting my list of 1000 things. Just note, these are in NO order, just how they randomly come out as I type:
1. My savior Jesus Christ and His wooing of my soul. 
2. The love that my husband gives me, even in the moments I don't give it in return. 
3. My children for speeding up the sanctification process. 
4. My parents for teaching me the true meaning of the gospel and live it out as an example. 5. My sister for loving me and my family the way she does. 
6. The family I married for accepting me for the person I am and not disowning me when my dirt shows. 
7. For Kyle's parents and the way they raised their son to love with his whole being. 
8. For baby laughs filling the hallway of my home.
9. For that "thorn in my side" that continues to drive me to the mercy seat of the Lord.
10. For the friends that the Lord placed in our life to grow us in depth and knowledge of Christ. 
11. For the way the bible is written and how I never regret the time I spend studying, it only makes me hunger for more. 
......

Life.

Life has gotten in the way of blogging... but it's better that I neglect the blog and not my family. :) I will revisit you when I get around to it. Thanks for standing by.

Hello Monday!

Tomorrow.

Update #2: 

We got a call from the Surgeon and there are NO roots and he does not see the need for removal at this point. We were instructed to watch it and if continues to grow then we will want to remove it for cosmetic sake, but at this point she is fine. Thank you for all your prayers!  

Update:

Thank you for all your prayers! She was calm all morning and didn't not need anything to complete the scan! They just laid her in the little baby cocoon and let us talk to her the entire time. Ten minutes later we were done! The Lord totally granted fullness to her belly and calmness to her other-wise not calm nature! 

We will know the results of the scan in 3 to 4 days. Please pray for no tentacles and that the removal process will be a simple one. Thanks so much!   

Tomorrow is the day of our CT Scan. It happens at 10:30am in which our starving child (since I have to stop feeding at 4:30am) will be given a sedative to do the scan. If she is not calm enough with the sedative they will put her under. I do not know what that will really look like or how quickly we'll be able to leave after that. I am really at peace with this whole situation. I know that the Lord is in control. I know that He wove together every part of Brenley and she has been perfectly made for His purpose.

Please pray that she not be hungry tomorrow morning. Also that the sedative will work great and that she won't need to be put under for the scan. Please also pray that the scan show everything it needs to clearly so that we can make an informed decision on how to proceed with removal. Thank you for walking though this with us.

Thinking...

I've not been myself the past few weeks and it's been making me do some searching. I just can't seem together some days and I am not on-top of ANY of my chores. Then after reading through some old blog posts, I came across this post. SO very needed today and REALLY strange that I wrote this post when Ryland was the same age as Brenley is now. It makes me wonder if it's not just a motivation issue, but possibly a postpartum thing. Not that I am finding myself in depression, just in a funk and it's the SAME funk I experienced at this SAME time in Ryland's life. What are the odds!?

So, I am prayerfully attacking this area of my life. I need out of this stage fast, I want my life back. My life that was more organized, usually clean, and not so draining.

Brenley Milestones

After reading a friends blog, I am feeling the need to record some of Brenley's milestones here. I used to do that with Ryland all the time, so more for me, then anything... here is what Brenley is doing these days:

She is 7 months and 16.4 lbs. She is scooting across the floor, army style. She eats three meals a day and I have yet to find a food she doesn't like. I am making my own baby food this time around (most of the time) and she has loved everything, but her all time favorite is sweet potatoes. She has several roles on her legs that I can not get enough of. She loves to hit things, she gets going really fast the better mood she's in. She bangs every toy she holds on the floor to see what noise it makes. Someone said the other day, "Maybe she'll be musical" and I can totally see that, she keeps a pretty good beat going sometimes. I will try and get a video of it. She "talks" all the time and the louder it gets the louder she "talks". She SO incredibly easy to put to sleep. If any of you walked with me through Ryland's sleep issues, you understand how thankful I am for this! I give her her pacifier and her blanket and she's out, every time! Although, she actually still wakes up once if not twice a night for a feeding... I am totally OK with that because I know she can put herself back to sleep if I made her and I actually enjoy the quite moments when it's just us awake. She is content to take her naps anywhere I put her, car seat, stroller, the floor at a friends house, where ever... she makes life easy!

She is not always easy, she doesn't enjoy baths very much nor does she enjoy letting others hold her when all she wants is mom. She is a little timid in large crowds, but Ryland has also always been that way.

But, IF the measure of how difficult she has been was a determining factor of if we have more babies, we would have 20 more! :)

Those eyes

Having fun with my sister

Update

Yesterday we met with a surgen about Brenley's Dermoid Tumor that I wrote about in this post. He is confident that it is just that, a Dermoid, also called Dermoid Cyst. He thinks we should remove it, but wants to do a CT scan before proceeding. It is located on the left side of her head, about two inches behind her ear, which happens to be fairly close to the second, small soft spot on the back of her skull. He said that when a Dermoid is close to the soft spot or directly on the soft spot it is common that they have roots (tenticales) into the skull and possibly brain. So, he ordered the CT scan to see if that is the case. If it is, then we will be referred to a Neurosurgen. If not, which he feels strongly like there are not roots, then we will proceed with the surgery to remove it.

The CT scan is scheduled for April 6th and I am quite anxious about this day. They said they will give her a sedative to relax her for the procedure, but if she is not still enough they will need to put her under. We will not know until that moment so we need to prepare her as though she will be put under. That means she cannot eat past 4:30am - BRUTAL! Not feeding my baby for over 6 hours will probably be the longest 6 hours of my life! AND we have to go in an hour early to have a dye put in the spot they are looking at... keeping a STARVING baby calm enough to go through a CT scan seems almost impossible to me.

After the scan we will decide how to proceed. IF there are no roots then we can take our time removing it. We can wait as long as we'd like assuming it does not get bigger. I don't know what we will choose at that point. The surgery itself is pretty easy, but yet again she will need to be put under. So, we will be praying for wisdom.

Ryland on the other hand, is doing great. She is still taking her steroid inhaler four times a day, but our goal of keeping her well for a month has worked. It's been almost six weeks and she has not needed her other inhaler at all! We are just about done with staying away from other kiddos, so we will see if her immune system was able to recover AND if the steroid inhaler is working.

Thanks for your prayers. It was actually quite humbling to go into the hospital yesterday. There were SO many other kids there and several babies that were definalty worse off then us. It was a welcomed perspective that the Lord gave me. We are all His children and He does ALL things for His glory. My journey must be about giving Him all of me and not about figuring out how I can help my babies.

Truths from Brenley-Boo

Brenley's first time on the Skype Camera, she was quite full of things to say. :)

Truths from Brenley-Boo from Sherah on Vimeo.